I needed a train into town because I’m too big a shit-flap to ride a bike. So after chowing down on an uncooked Frey Bentos I lolloped over to the platform to have some fun with the self service machine, only to find a blue ‘mystery button’ had been chucked in with the classic ‘cancel-clear-enter’ combo.
They say curiosity killed the cat. THEY’RE WRONG. I DID. WITH A GUN. FIVE TIMES! I gave the bastard a vicious prod, and they took away my benefits! I was so depressed I went home to drink 15 cans of super-tenants and listen to The Cribs, before battering a stranger and stroking myself to sleep.
-Stuart Del-Boy Ritchie