This post is chock-full of cracking jokes and laugh-out-loud observations on real life. If you're having trouble spotting them, don't be afraid to get in touch -

The opening night for the South-Shields based experimental art-funk night NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE went off without a hitch last night, despite the attempts of three ex-Royal Marines to interfere with proceedings using their patented banana mask-boke. As it was, the manoeuvre was well-received.

As the temperature inside the blackened steel cuboid hit 250 degrees, the first act donned their stage wear and began the world famous “BA shuffle” down the ladder into the screaming inferno that passes for modern funk in South Tyneside. As is the custom, the band proceeded to the far end of the venue before emptying 150 litres of water into the corner, eliciting a cheer from the hidden crowd that could of driven the staunchest lizard from his or her basking rock. This, to be honest, set the tone for the evening, with each successive act doing their best to raise the roof, forgetting of course that do so would require an level of energy so sadly lacking in the local scene. Thus, this particular task went unperformed. Tyneside council’s recently launched campaign to keep venues below 50 BBP (bars banter pressure) proved to be a shite-flapping disaster of an operation, with some local lads coming out with readings of above 80.

Next week sees the festival continue with Rigjumper and Bollocks to Pirates promoting their new split “I’ve Probably Got One or Two Spare if You’re That Bloody Interested” at the new Summerlungs Club on the seafront.

– Frankie ‘Champion Steaks’ De Tori


About Xavier Boucherat

Journalist / Writer -
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One Response to BONFIRE NIGHT @ SOUTH SHIELDS, 05/11/11

  1. Patrick Ulysses says:

    This is quite literally impenetrable.

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