WE AWAIT FAT JANITORS EMPIRE! AN INTERVIEW WITH JANNY

Mayor of Dundee David Cameron is a huge fan of Janny's work.

This week, with the theme of the public sector strikes in mind, we spoke to our favourite remedial worker Janny of the excellent Fat Janitor, who puts in a solid ten hours of hating the system every day. Good on you son! After giving us a good tanning for pissing all over the rhododendrons, this is what he had to say to our meandering, often senseless questioning. You can follow his important work at http://fat-janitor.blogspot.com/.

Good to see you my oldest friend. How’s your wife?

Last wife i had came in and told me she was leaving for tall tam toner, the finest chippy burd critic in Hamilton. Went into homebase and bought nails to attach to my boombox to crunch his melt wi. Fuck the digger mate! Told Glesga i tried to scoop him out of existence. Tried? You seen him in Grasshopper nightclub in Hamilton recently?

No, I keep trying to organize a night at Grasshopper but every time I go down there they tell me to settle. What a bunch of ‘Dafties’! 

Why do jannies need wives when we’ve got aw they single maws commmin tae the school. Aw loose and chokin for a taste of the janny lifestyle. Mate a walk in tae B&Q and cunts get oan there knees. Hunners of mad workie burds fightin wi each other tae get a sniff of the jannys ring. Am like the apollo creed of Glasgow City Council and a widnae take a doin aff that slow face goon stalone either, ad fuckin jab him so much eez maw wid melt like a freddo in a fat cunts gub!

I think young children are the biggest threat to my personal safety today. What are you doing to keep the bastards at bay?

Weans are easy mate…. easy to understand, let the darrens, the aldos and the John Paul the bashers, let them fight it out, let them dae Klingsmans over kebab shop counters, let them write on bus stops that Sean McDades a grass, or that his da can’t taste eggs anymore cause hes a mad specky auld mad specky bastard.

My old school janitor claimed he was a World War 2 veteren, and it wasn’t until I was fifteen that I realised this couldn’t possibly be true. I thought about battering him when this happened. Do you think I should of?

Mate that jannys tuff as a old guys jaiket he’d smash you till yer toe fell aff and yer da had tae fling in the towel. He wiz actually a vetran fae the falklands. The story goes he wiz fuckin blazin oot eez nut oan that onion cider aw the time and he got in a fight wi Ross Kemp, got eez coupin biffed so hard eez brain went aw gommy like stood oan sassy supper and eez no been the same since. Kicks aboot wearin hummin umbro joggies and a skandy red Liverpool managerial jaiket fae the past. The wan wi Candy written oan it.

My Father wears the very same jacket every time he comes over from Nova Scotia! What a world. My mate and every other recent cunting graduate in Scotland applied for the apprenticeship you were offering. Tell us what that involves. 

The test isn’t easy mate. Its all part of the janny triathlon mate. You have to do the fleeing skateboard race, then tan two bows (bottles of vino, broon liquid raptor, the devil’s bryl cream) then wrestle me and pin me. I will be sober during the scrap but will have seen videos of the referee wrongly sending my son anton off at the junior cup for auchinleck. One wee guy got done in so hard at the interview his da started eating roadkill cause he couldn’t handle the shame of being seen in his local iceland. Poor old da, having a shitey plum for a son.

This is technically still a music blog so I suppose we should talk about music. Do you even like music? My friend swears down you are that crooner outside the abandoned pound-mart on Sauchiehall Street, and I know for a fact that guy is a racist.

Mate, thats that mad alan slazenger the jakey janny fae cadder primary. A only like power bands like wesley snides, thrash treat and beard judge. Ye heard sex da? fuckin amazin and dead erotic mate. Actually…. mate the only music a like is the sound of daftys greetin when the janny taxes there burd and snouts aff them then flings them thru a bus shelter…and that deacon blue anaw.

Puts it in a bag and never thinks to mutter! I actually wrote that one when I played a few dates on bass but they never fucking credited me. Whatever. Here’s a picture of Peter Frampton. What’s your initial reaction?

I want to smash that cunt er the napper wi a scootex and dae the bunk wi eez hair.

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About Xavier Boucherat

Journalist / Writer - www.cargocollective.com/jxb1
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