With the launch of the latest member of the COSTA FUN BOATS family, Carnival Cruises have cemented their position on the horns of the cash-cow that is the unpowered, unnavigated open mic night cruise. Their model of herding aspiring stars onto badly maintained ex-container ships and letting them drift around aimlessly has resulted in some of the most engaging maritime-neo-grunge to come out of the scene in quite some time. Few will forget the tear-jerking duet aboard the Concordia, between self-styled Captain “the Captain” Schettino and the haunting choir of the Italian Coastguard. Although this particular partnership is now redundant, the performance continues, not least echoing throughout that hallowed hall of contemporary opera, the Italian Supreme Court. A spokesthing for Carnival cruises will have this to say:
“I’m going to be direct with you – “A.J’s Fucking Mental Cowboy Boats” are one of the finest shipbuilders we have ever had the privilege to work with, and so long as he continues to build fucking mental cowboy boats, we’re completely on board. So you can fuck right off.”
Such commitment to the musical community has not been seen since. However, as the Allegro drifts inexorably towards the ultra-crunk vortex of the Seychelles, there is hope for a resurgence of that which was lost when the final drop was pumped from the Concordia by Dutch techno-salvagers. We can only pray that the Dutch fuck-beat that has so dominated the salvage scene will be tempered by something altogether more spontaneous and dirigible.
– Frankie ‘M.W’ De Torie