CARNIVAL CUT-PRICE CRUISES CONTINUE TO GIVE LEG-UP

I'm going to let you in on a secret. Frankie de Hazshe Tori is actually Rake Yohn.

With the launch of the latest member of the COSTA FUN BOATS family, Carnival Cruises have cemented their position on the horns of the cash-cow that is the unpowered, unnavigated open mic night cruise. Their model of herding aspiring stars onto badly maintained ex-container ships and letting them drift around aimlessly has resulted in some of the most engaging maritime-neo-grunge to come out of the scene in quite some time. Few will forget the tear-jerking duet aboard the Concordia, between self-styled Captain “the Captain” Schettino and the haunting choir of the Italian Coastguard. Although this particular partnership is now redundant, the performance continues, not least echoing throughout that hallowed hall of contemporary opera, the Italian Supreme Court. A spokesthing for Carnival cruises will have this to say:

“I’m going to be direct with you – “A.J’s Fucking Mental Cowboy Boats” are one of the finest shipbuilders we have ever had the privilege to work with, and so long as he continues to build fucking mental cowboy boats, we’re completely on board. So you can fuck right off.”

Such commitment to the musical community has not been seen since. However, as the Allegro drifts inexorably towards the ultra-crunk vortex of the Seychelles, there is hope for a resurgence of that which was lost when the final drop was pumped from the Concordia by Dutch techno-salvagers. We can only pray that the Dutch fuck-beat that has so dominated the salvage scene will be tempered by something altogether more spontaneous and dirigible.

– Frankie ‘M.W’ De Torie

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GLASGOW CITY COUNCIL BINMEN VS. COPS, 28/02/12, JAMAICA STREET

That's James on the left, opposite the two foot cops in front of the bus.

Shocking scenes today when the cops challenged local funster and waste-collector MC ‘Soft James’ to a freestyle battle in broad daylight when the legendary rhyming-rubbishman (not to be confused with MC Wasteman, also making waves in the lucrative refuse-collection-rap game) told the arseholes to rip up his parking ticket.

Wouldn’t you know it, our man was en site to transcribe the whole thing. Results are sick;

SOFT JAMES –

Soft James fuck yeah represent!
Status quo, up against the government,
Collect trash but the real filth’s you,
Cop motherfucker what the fuck you gonna do.

PC DRESDEN KING

You’re under arrest.

Ken that video that was doing the rounds a few weeks back with the English ‘teacher’ ‘schooling’ ‘his student’? Anyone who liked that video for any reason whatsoever is a complete fucking waste of space. Truth.

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ENTIRELY NEGLIGIBLE POLITICS IN PARTICK WEST, ALL THE TIME, EVERYWHERE

ImageEx G.U.U Jokeman Massive Ann Johnderson is going to hand vandals’ arses back to them personally (http://www.puttingpartickwestfirst.com/), with an ‘action list’ so long and infuriatingly complex it makes Finnegans Wake look like a fuuuuuuuuuuuucking bill and jane affairrrrrrrg. You can add to this modern masterpiece by lying to the man himself about how some cunts gone and sprayed ‘Wacko Jacko’ on your fucking shed or dog or whatever.

Said Anderjohn himself, ‘I think it’s high time people realised that when the man pushes you, the answer is not to push him back. Give the middle finger to the resistance and ride this wave of mediocrity with me!’ No thanks buddy, I love life.

There were some very, very angry cops at this gig but it’s just like, at the end of the day lads you don’t need to be there ey? ‘Maybe we do. Are you a criminal?’

Don’t Even Start Motherfucker – Only Numptys Decide Pissingoff Rich Individuals Need Cease Entirely.

DEEEEEEEESMOND.

DEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMONDO, LLIIKKEETTHHIISS. 

Blog of the month goes to this cuz its sick http://www.svn-okklt.com/ props to Charlie slay-the-goat Fuller. Smoke weed claim benefit worship the gates of the forest at night. 

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SKRILLEX, 31/01/12, MY FLAT

THESE ARE MY KUMQUATS. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

I think the old adage of ‘Comedy’s comedy, but when it stops being funny, it ceases to be comedy’ holds up quite well here.

-Ingvar Dogman

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SORRY OFFICER, I LOVE LIFE.

SOMEONE HAS ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN. WHY IS IT WE MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES TIME AND TIME AGAIN? DESMOND PRINCE WAS ACTUALLY FIRED FROM THE T-I-W-C TEAM ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO SO THAT JULIO WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN THE LEGAL FALLOUT THAT CAME ABOUT AFTER DES TOLD SKRILLEX TO ‘SUCK HIS FUCKING KUMQUATS’ IN METAL HAMMER. HE’S AN ARSEHOLE WHO DOESN’T REALLY CARE FOR THE SCENE, AND CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF HASN’T WRITTEN A SINGLE POST FOR THIS WEBSITE – MOST OF IT WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN BY ONE OF T.P ‘SHAGGA’ CORRICK’S MATE’S WHO NO-ONE’S EVER ACTUALLY MET.

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CRY PARROT NEW YEAR FEST, 12/01/12 @ SLEAZY’S

UN CADAVRE? MORE LIKE UN DESASTRE!

GOD OF THE DRUM? MORE LIKE GOD OF THE BUM!

SBG?MORE LIKE STD!

SKULLWIZARD? MORE LIKE FARTWIZARD!

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THAT RUSTIE SONG AFTERLIGHT KEN?

NO!

SOONDS LIKE SOME PURE MAD BAWBAG SWAGGING ABOOT ON THE FLOOR WITH A FUCKING TRUMPET KEN. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT SHIT? I DID AND IT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS – ‘BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWA-BWA BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH’. THAT SLAP BASS IS JUST AS BAD – JUST AS LIKELY TO MAKE CUNTS THINK ITS OK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY’RE PLAYIN INSTRUMENTS THEY’RE NO’. ‘LONG DAY BUDDY?! SWAG THIS SHIT OUT FOR SIZE!!’. NO THANKS.

THE SAME TRUMPETER CAN BE HEARD ON THE HUDMO/LUNICE/KHRUSHCHEV COLLAB. NOW AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS EMPLOYABILITY, HE’S KEEN FOR ANY DESCRIPTION OF WORK IN THE GLASGOW AREA.

THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE, BUT IS IT A MISTAKE? BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF SHAM 69 IN ANY CASE.

– JULIO ‘MIND-THE-GAP’ IGLESIAS

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WE AWAIT FAT JANITORS EMPIRE! AN INTERVIEW WITH JANNY

Mayor of Dundee David Cameron is a huge fan of Janny's work.

This week, with the theme of the public sector strikes in mind, we spoke to our favourite remedial worker Janny of the excellent Fat Janitor, who puts in a solid ten hours of hating the system every day. Good on you son! After giving us a good tanning for pissing all over the rhododendrons, this is what he had to say to our meandering, often senseless questioning. You can follow his important work at http://fat-janitor.blogspot.com/.

Good to see you my oldest friend. How’s your wife?

Last wife i had came in and told me she was leaving for tall tam toner, the finest chippy burd critic in Hamilton. Went into homebase and bought nails to attach to my boombox to crunch his melt wi. Fuck the digger mate! Told Glesga i tried to scoop him out of existence. Tried? You seen him in Grasshopper nightclub in Hamilton recently?

No, I keep trying to organize a night at Grasshopper but every time I go down there they tell me to settle. What a bunch of ‘Dafties’! 

Why do jannies need wives when we’ve got aw they single maws commmin tae the school. Aw loose and chokin for a taste of the janny lifestyle. Mate a walk in tae B&Q and cunts get oan there knees. Hunners of mad workie burds fightin wi each other tae get a sniff of the jannys ring. Am like the apollo creed of Glasgow City Council and a widnae take a doin aff that slow face goon stalone either, ad fuckin jab him so much eez maw wid melt like a freddo in a fat cunts gub!

I think young children are the biggest threat to my personal safety today. What are you doing to keep the bastards at bay?

Weans are easy mate…. easy to understand, let the darrens, the aldos and the John Paul the bashers, let them fight it out, let them dae Klingsmans over kebab shop counters, let them write on bus stops that Sean McDades a grass, or that his da can’t taste eggs anymore cause hes a mad specky auld mad specky bastard.

My old school janitor claimed he was a World War 2 veteren, and it wasn’t until I was fifteen that I realised this couldn’t possibly be true. I thought about battering him when this happened. Do you think I should of?

Mate that jannys tuff as a old guys jaiket he’d smash you till yer toe fell aff and yer da had tae fling in the towel. He wiz actually a vetran fae the falklands. The story goes he wiz fuckin blazin oot eez nut oan that onion cider aw the time and he got in a fight wi Ross Kemp, got eez coupin biffed so hard eez brain went aw gommy like stood oan sassy supper and eez no been the same since. Kicks aboot wearin hummin umbro joggies and a skandy red Liverpool managerial jaiket fae the past. The wan wi Candy written oan it.

My Father wears the very same jacket every time he comes over from Nova Scotia! What a world. My mate and every other recent cunting graduate in Scotland applied for the apprenticeship you were offering. Tell us what that involves. 

The test isn’t easy mate. Its all part of the janny triathlon mate. You have to do the fleeing skateboard race, then tan two bows (bottles of vino, broon liquid raptor, the devil’s bryl cream) then wrestle me and pin me. I will be sober during the scrap but will have seen videos of the referee wrongly sending my son anton off at the junior cup for auchinleck. One wee guy got done in so hard at the interview his da started eating roadkill cause he couldn’t handle the shame of being seen in his local iceland. Poor old da, having a shitey plum for a son.

This is technically still a music blog so I suppose we should talk about music. Do you even like music? My friend swears down you are that crooner outside the abandoned pound-mart on Sauchiehall Street, and I know for a fact that guy is a racist.

Mate, thats that mad alan slazenger the jakey janny fae cadder primary. A only like power bands like wesley snides, thrash treat and beard judge. Ye heard sex da? fuckin amazin and dead erotic mate. Actually…. mate the only music a like is the sound of daftys greetin when the janny taxes there burd and snouts aff them then flings them thru a bus shelter…and that deacon blue anaw.

Puts it in a bag and never thinks to mutter! I actually wrote that one when I played a few dates on bass but they never fucking credited me. Whatever. Here’s a picture of Peter Frampton. What’s your initial reaction?

I want to smash that cunt er the napper wi a scootex and dae the bunk wi eez hair.

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BONFIRE NIGHT @ SOUTH SHIELDS, 05/11/11

This post is chock-full of cracking jokes and laugh-out-loud observations on real life. If you're having trouble spotting them, don't be afraid to get in touch - tiwcglasgow@gmail.com

The opening night for the South-Shields based experimental art-funk night NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE went off without a hitch last night, despite the attempts of three ex-Royal Marines to interfere with proceedings using their patented banana mask-boke. As it was, the manoeuvre was well-received.

As the temperature inside the blackened steel cuboid hit 250 degrees, the first act donned their stage wear and began the world famous “BA shuffle” down the ladder into the screaming inferno that passes for modern funk in South Tyneside. As is the custom, the band proceeded to the far end of the venue before emptying 150 litres of water into the corner, eliciting a cheer from the hidden crowd that could of driven the staunchest lizard from his or her basking rock. This, to be honest, set the tone for the evening, with each successive act doing their best to raise the roof, forgetting of course that do so would require an level of energy so sadly lacking in the local scene. Thus, this particular task went unperformed. Tyneside council’s recently launched campaign to keep venues below 50 BBP (bars banter pressure) proved to be a shite-flapping disaster of an operation, with some local lads coming out with readings of above 80.

Next week sees the festival continue with Rigjumper and Bollocks to Pirates promoting their new split “I’ve Probably Got One or Two Spare if You’re That Bloody Interested” at the new Summerlungs Club on the seafront.

– Frankie ‘Champion Steaks’ De Tori

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ISSUES – KORN

Spot on lads.

Bloody. Good. Album.

– Julio ‘Mind the Gap’ Iglesias

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